Why 'Yes Means Yes' is Important

There has been a good bit of recent controversy over the California 'yes means yes' law.

All sorts of rebuttals were given as to why this law is dangerous. Communication should just be clear.

I agree. But sometimes it's not. (Also, perhaps prosecuting attorneys were tired of rapists going free because of legal 'gray area' in definitions, terms and communication?)

If she doesn't want to have sex, she should just say no.

Sure.

But saying 'no' is not the simple issue we pretend it to be.

Society has taught girls and women for countless generations to be meek, submissive, to cater to the needs of men. (If you don't believe me, posit this question in the social media of your choice, and see the response you get.) They've been taught to be mothers and home makers and cooks and cleaners (and 'nurses' instead of 'doctors'), etc. etc. The list goes on and on.

Now, before going further, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a woman being any of the above mentioned. I'm just saying they don't 'have' to be either.

Now, that being said, let's also examine sex as a social interaction.

Let's say you have an aversion to germs, or skin contact and someone you know is a firm believer in hand shakes or hugs? Now you're in an awkward position to say no and seem rude or to say yes and be uncomfortable.

“But this is sex we're talking about!” you exclaim in your head.

“We never view sex as a social obligation!” the other side of your head yells.

But don't we?

Men, how many times have you been dirt tired and at the end of the day, even though you just want to pass out, you still make love to whomever you are with. For them.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's sad.

I've known female friends that have told me about sleeping with guys to 'shut him up', 'get him to stop following me around', or just to 'make him happy.'

So, yes, it happens. A lot.

Now let's go through the course of an evening out. A date. Everything is great, and she might even enjoy making out, but not necessarily going all the way. She's made that clear at dinner. She said no again in the car. On the couch, the third attempt is made. She really likes this guy, and he seems really nice, and he's been a good friend and doesn't want things to be awkward...

Am I making you uncomfortable yet? Good.

Now, men, this is going to require you putting yourself in their shoes. This is tough. We have no direct correlation. We honestly don't deal with the miasma of sexual demands and complexity that they do.

Allow me to share an uncomfortable story from my own history. More than once, I've been sexually accosted backstage or after a show. I'm a theatre actor, vaudeville performer and burlesque dancer. I had some one trying to get a look at my dallywacker after a show once backstage by removing my pants. A female performer friend of mine, thinking the situation seemed comical, offered to assist. I'm in a new town I've never performed in. My friend is assisting the person that's accosting me. I'm very uncomfortable. But I don't say 'no.' Largely because I can't think of how to do so without being aggressive or confrontational. My repeated attempts to joke it off and deflect this person's attention aren't working. Their keeping a tone of civility and friendliness while still sexually accosting me. Still.... I never said 'no.'

Thankfully another friend saw the situation and interceded. I felt stupid for having not figured out another way out of it. She assured me it was okay. That I shouldn't have been put in that situation in the first place. It was frustrating, and made me feel like an idiot. That I'd done something wrong in not handling the situation better on my own.

That was one day in my life. Women deal with this every day.

I honestly can't even imagine what that must be like. I'd want to scream at everyone who looked at me. I'd have mace in one hand and a club in the other.

What way is that to live?! Yet we do this to women EVERY DAY. (Which to me means that women are tough and together on a level we men will never understand. But that's just my opinion.)

For unnecessary eons women have been harassed as teases, prudes or for 'leading men on.' In the next breath we call them sluts for showing off 'too much' skin. That's another story entirely.

So, in closing, women do not owe us sex. They don't owe us an explanation. They also do not need to be repeatedly telling us no, feeling more and more awkward and uncomfortable. We shouldn't be pressing them constantly for something they really don't want to do. If a woman wants to have sex, she will let you know.

And honestly, I'd rather be oblivious and miss out on an opportunity for sex (and I have apparently, as I've been reminded in the past), than to make the women around me uncomfortable. I love women. I respect women. You should to.

And I'm not saying you don't. It's quite likely none of this ever occurred to you. It didn't for me until it did one day, if that makes sense.

Furthermore, if we are men, gentlemen or otherwise, we shouldn't be putting undue burden on them to explain why or figure out how to get out of the situation without 'ruining a friendship' or otherwise damaging our egos.

Don't make them say no. And don't assume that just because they aren't saying no, that's it's an affirmative yes.

Come on guys, it's time to step up and be men, and to treat ladies like ladies.