Does constantly being on the hustle make you stronger, or make you jaded?

It's an ebb and flow honestly.

Times that the energy is up, the people are wonderful and the shows are amazing.

There are other times that you cringe when you head to the next rehearsal.

Consider calling in sick for a show.

I've been at this for a long time and have suffered and struggled more than most will know.

(I was essentially homeless once or twice... among other things.)

I have also gotten to see myself on the silver screen and t.v. Enjoyed nearly 5 years where I had no

day job other than acting.

2014 I was in a slew of shows while juggling grad school and management at work. There are entire shows I don't entirely recall from sleep deprivation. That year was a mixture of delirium, success, betrayal, and love. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

There are times I am so happy I could burst from this crazy love affair with performing. There are other nights that I want to follow apart, cry, scream and/or drink myself into oblivion hoping the feeling of self loathing will abate.

It's natural. I hate saying it, but it is. You'll second guess yourself. You'll doubt why you're even bothering at times. If it makes any difference or if anyone cares.

And you'll never know the full impact of your art. Whispers and rumors will make its way back to you eventually. Good and bad. Most won't spend the time to write a review.

But in the end, as you've made your last toast from a night of celebration or cried your last tear from the agony of defeat, you will have to decide for yourself if tomorrow is another chance to do it again. 

That craving will always be in you. But you will have to decide how far you will chase it. Only you will know how much it gives back to you.

I know starving artists that wouldn't stop what they do for anything. There have been millionaire actors and rock stars that died in self loathing and depression.

Success really is in the mind. Only we can decide what that means.

I hope today's ache is a good ache. One of growth, one of struggle towards something good, one of hope for improvement tomorrow.

Love, and hugs.

Vouloir c'est pouvoir. :)

Art Pressure

Feeling frustrated with your journey? Things going wrong in your artistic endeavors for no discernible reason? Just feel like nothing is shiny and new like it was in college, or in your first few shows?

It's honestly just part of the process.

It may just be time for some contraction in your path. Like in so many chemical processes, there is expansion and contraction. In the arts, in my experience, this is the make or break period. There is initial success where everyone is excited and moving in the same direction.

Then that rapid heat and expansion cools, and performers get comfortable with their success and assured of their status. This is where bands break up, performance groups dissolve, theaters shut down, businesses close, etc etc etc. Even where the solo artist loses site of their goals. Or decides on new ones.

The path is always changing, with or without our consent. The path we may have ventured forth to brave may not be the path we find ourselves upon now. The desires and convictions of yesterday may not coincide with the needs and the truths of today.

You have already done much to be proud of. Take a moment to breathe, find your center, and decide on your next step. It's okay if it doesn't fit into 'the plan', the plan was more of a rough guideline anyway. Don't let the pressures artists put on themselves keep you from your next adventure or your new path.