Does constantly being on the hustle make you stronger, or make you jaded?

It's an ebb and flow honestly.

Times that the energy is up, the people are wonderful and the shows are amazing.

There are other times that you cringe when you head to the next rehearsal.

Consider calling in sick for a show.

I've been at this for a long time and have suffered and struggled more than most will know.

(I was essentially homeless once or twice... among other things.)

I have also gotten to see myself on the silver screen and t.v. Enjoyed nearly 5 years where I had no

day job other than acting.

2014 I was in a slew of shows while juggling grad school and management at work. There are entire shows I don't entirely recall from sleep deprivation. That year was a mixture of delirium, success, betrayal, and love. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

There are times I am so happy I could burst from this crazy love affair with performing. There are other nights that I want to follow apart, cry, scream and/or drink myself into oblivion hoping the feeling of self loathing will abate.

It's natural. I hate saying it, but it is. You'll second guess yourself. You'll doubt why you're even bothering at times. If it makes any difference or if anyone cares.

And you'll never know the full impact of your art. Whispers and rumors will make its way back to you eventually. Good and bad. Most won't spend the time to write a review.

But in the end, as you've made your last toast from a night of celebration or cried your last tear from the agony of defeat, you will have to decide for yourself if tomorrow is another chance to do it again. 

That craving will always be in you. But you will have to decide how far you will chase it. Only you will know how much it gives back to you.

I know starving artists that wouldn't stop what they do for anything. There have been millionaire actors and rock stars that died in self loathing and depression.

Success really is in the mind. Only we can decide what that means.

I hope today's ache is a good ache. One of growth, one of struggle towards something good, one of hope for improvement tomorrow.

Love, and hugs.

Vouloir c'est pouvoir. :)